Ssep 01, 01

TOXIC DUMP AT DAWN
(aka. the 5 things I hate about moving my bowels in the wee hours of the morning)

I wake from sugar-coated slumber and head to the john in a semi-stupor. It's the spasms that tell me I'm about to take a really toxic dump. From the cold feel of it in my belly, I assume it will immediately be a loose bowel movement in F-minor. I am slightly mistaken. It starts out solid, then steadily decreases in density. At least, my shit is a healthy shade of brown instead of the usual somber moss green/black combination that comes with my loose bowel episodes. This informs me further that my situation is not due to rotten food. In fact, I'm not really sure WHY i have loose bowels. Though the analysis is not what bothers me most.

The big problem with waking up in the middle of the night to take a crap is that:

1. You will usually have loose bowels

2. Your stomach knows it must go, but the nervous system isn't warmed up yet, so you spend a few minutes on the throne hoping the crap comes out of your ass, ASAP! And of course it never does. So...

3. You get a really COLD sweat going. It clogs the pores on your brow. It's your body telling you that there are toxins in hte system. It's a warning signal, a physiological intruder alert. And then, of course...

4. You're sitting on the bowl, and you're practically HALF-ASLEEP! You close your eyes every now and then and it becomes unclear whether you're losing consciousness as a direct reaction to the toxic waste wanting to exit the escape hatch OR you're simply too sleepy to stay awake...were it not for the pain.

Last night however, I came upon a totally new sensory experience to add to the total package.

5. You're not sure whether you want to vomit the toxins out or simply sit still & wait for the shit.

That's when it hit me.
This was no food-related crisis. It wasn't the daing na bangus I had for dinner or the wasabe nuts I had afterwards with my wife. It was the draft beer probably. My body was reacting vehemently to the alcohol. And to think, a few years ago, I was guzzling beer like a fish.

Anyway the feeling of acidic burning--that desire to vomit which came as I sat on the throne-- told me my body could not handle the beer. So there. Good thing the crap finally decided to let loose. And after a while I felt less sickly, lost all desire to upchuck, and was finally able to go back to sleep.

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