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 INTIMIDATIONDo Men Really Get Scared Off? And why? By Lionel Zivan S.Valdellon printed in Cosmopolitan Phils. December 98: His Point Of View In college I had a good friend named Mel, a friendly, petite, charming girl with a razor-sharp intellect and a hearty laugh. As a scholar, I remember she was constantly under pressure to pull in top grades. And pull them in, she did. But as her closest friend, I could never understand why she never caught a nice, lovable boyfriend. Well, at least until a group of us came together as a “Save Mel Foundation” and started dissecting the problem. The girls would reason out that Mel never dressed up or used make-up. The guys came up with wholly different assessments: “You’re kinda intimidating. I mean, you’re on the Dean’s List all the time. The guys who aren’t your classmates in physics--- they probably don’t know what to talk about with you. Plus, you don’t exude an air of vulnerability at all.” You’re probably thinking: “Hogwash! Guys are impossible, always looking for that weepy-whiny damsel in distress to boost their masculinity, instead of an equal.” But bear with me here. Men really do get scared off by overly strong, overly intelligent, self-assured women. And I know this because I’ve been there. See, (1) we’re afraid we won’t measure up to your standards. (2) We sometimes feel you don’t need anyone else, since you so valiantly take on the world by your lonesome. And (3) we feel small and inadequate next to you--- less of a knight in shining armor and more of a decorative escort. Let’s talk about standards from the male point of view. A woman who gets ahead in the world will, necessarily, be used to ideals of excellence which she’s set for herself. Sometimes also for the people she will associate with. When we enter the picture, we can only guess at those standards--- in fear. “Does she require me to know chaos theory? Does she expect me to look my best and act like a stiff gentleman all the time, or can I be loose and natural? What kind of restaurant is she used to eating at? I wonder if she won’t mind Goto King?” Yikes. Which brings us to that spirit of independence. While it’s true that self-reliant women are appealing as anything (the mystique is close to that of taming the wild beast), again, in the mind of the guy (especially us [italics]torpe men) there is fear pushing us back or away. Whether we use the fear to energize our spirits or give in to it is the test of the brave male. Finally, the matter of inadequacy. Successful women, especially, inspire this in us guys who have problems with self-esteem. (Which is most of us?) We need to be needed too, you know. Reminds me of the ‘70s song which goes: I’m a man you can be sure of…/ I’m a man you can depend on/ Call out my name and I’ll be there. The singer sounds like he’s trying to convince himself that he’s needed. Which is what we do when in the company of women who have everything, including the inner strength that wimps envy--- and don’t seem to appear like they need a shoulder to cry on, much less a protector. So what do you do? How do you stop intimidating men by your strength and invulnerability? My suggestion is: (1) be aware of the fact that you might sometimes scare the nape hairs off a guy, and (2) be able to toggle that vulnerability switch. One moment, being the dragon lady, the next, a distressed damsel. It helps to make the guy feel he’s a necessary part of your existence. But in the end--- no matter how you act, the real men will come after you if they want to. Ask Mel, who’s now happily (finally) in love with a cool guy she met in grad school, or better yet, ask my girlfriend.
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