March 20, 1999: 9:40 am

HUNTING THE ENEMY

One thing that resurfaced last night as I thought about the past was my constant habit of looking for an enemy and making myself hate the enemy. I have always needed a target to vent my bile upon. An enemy. A system. Something or someone I can aim at, and shoot down.

Why? All past experiences have only led me to believe that I make up my own enemies in my mind and this hinders my seeing these people for what they really are--- people who CAN help me. Not people who will destroy me.

Time and time again, there has been that habit: back in my volunteer year in Mindanao it was a school administrator Mrs.Aga, who would later become our best supporter. Then later on in Manila it was my various bosses at the ad agencies, who would clearly recommend me to other jobs. At FLY it was Betsy Medalla, who, for all her detailed orders, was merely showing she cared for the magazine I was working on… Even in the band, there would inevitably be people I would tag as "against me" ergo, THE ENEMY. And dismissed from my mind as people who can contribute nothing to my well-being.

Call it a flawed psyche. Call it sabotaging your own relationships. Call it what you will.... The beautiful thing is, life keeps proving me wrong. Those I look upon as enemies very rarely deserve the hate I bestow upon them. And in generating that hate, I merely damn myself to a destructive cycle of moral paralysis. In fact, it is these same people who end up being great friends.

I am awake now. In more ways than one. In more ways than I’ve ever been. May I never be as blind again.

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